My life has always been a series of distraction; one right after another. Usually the distractions have been good things, but they have moved my vision from the right and pure things in life. I have known this for a while now, but I recently realized that again in a whole new way. A few weeks ago, my dad and I made a trip to Central Oregon for a long weekend of camping and spending time together. It was great, but was almost too much to handle. The second night almost became too much for me. The silence left me completely to my thoughts and I broke. That is when I realized that all of my distractions have replaced my thoughts. I don't really think that much anymore. And the one big thought in my mind that I have been ignoring has been my mom's passing.

To say that I have not put much thought into my mom's recent death would be an understatement for sure. Usually when the thought comes into my head, I replace it quickly with one that is not so hard to deal with. I have gotten over the stage of denial; in thinking that this whole thing is just not real, like it might be just a sick dream. I have accepted that she is dead, but i now seem to be unable to move past that and enter any next cycle of the mourning process. It's almost like I'm incapable of continuing in the process. I know that part of it is that I don't really have experience in this mourning stuff. I'm really unsure of it all right now.

I have heard from some wise friends of mine to take it easy on myself at this time and allow myself to move slowly. I have a hard time with doing that though. I expect results; and those results must come quickly. I can't deal with being patient. I'm looking for ways to learn this and continue dealing with all of what's in me. Please pray for me.

I have added the following song lyrics, because they are starting to become true again in my life. This song is true about the sin in my life along with the place I find myself. I hope it helps you.

Something Beautiful
Jars of Clay

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
so, give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
And that all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful

Bikes, Bikes! I like bikes!

So, one of my passions in life is mountain biking and flying down a hill jumping over stuff always on the verge of crashing. I have been really into biking for about 10 years now. I actually am a certified bicycle mechanic from the United Bicycle Institute in Ashland, OR (I know; kinda weird, but completely true). I planned for many years on starting a bike shop and started studying business because of that plan.

So, here is my homage to my bikes; new and old.

Above is my first "real" mountain bike. I had the Huffy's and crap bikes like that growing up, but this is my first good bike I bought when I was 16. It is a GT i-drive full-suspension if any of you know what that means. Until just recently, it has been in pieces in my dad's shop. I have put it together so I can sell it. I don't have much use for it anymore. I am selling it for $400 if you are interested.

The next bike has been my baby for many years now. I haven't had a girlfriend for many years now, so I spent the money I would have on her on this bike. It has a titanium frame, which is the best material for bike frames and is pretty expensive. I built the wheelset back when I went to the bike school. I recently blew out the suspension fork, so I have a brand new fork on it now. I am also trying to sell this bike. I have it listed on Craigs List for $1000. Hopefully I will sell it soon.

And finally, this is my brand new bike I bought a few weeks back. It is a Kona Scrap, which is best used to jump things on dirt or in a city. It is a blast and so much fun to rocket down a hill or over things. It's got hydraulic disk brakes, like on a car, which makes it stop real fast. I'm not trying to sell this bike.