My life has always been a series of distraction; one right after another. Usually the distractions have been good things, but they have moved my vision from the right and pure things in life. I have known this for a while now, but I recently realized that again in a whole new way. A few weeks ago, my dad and I made a trip to Central Oregon for a long weekend of camping and spending time together. It was great, but was almost too much to handle. The second night almost became too much for me. The silence left me completely to my thoughts and I broke. That is when I realized that all of my distractions have replaced my thoughts. I don't really think that much anymore. And the one big thought in my mind that I have been ignoring has been my mom's passing.

To say that I have not put much thought into my mom's recent death would be an understatement for sure. Usually when the thought comes into my head, I replace it quickly with one that is not so hard to deal with. I have gotten over the stage of denial; in thinking that this whole thing is just not real, like it might be just a sick dream. I have accepted that she is dead, but i now seem to be unable to move past that and enter any next cycle of the mourning process. It's almost like I'm incapable of continuing in the process. I know that part of it is that I don't really have experience in this mourning stuff. I'm really unsure of it all right now.

I have heard from some wise friends of mine to take it easy on myself at this time and allow myself to move slowly. I have a hard time with doing that though. I expect results; and those results must come quickly. I can't deal with being patient. I'm looking for ways to learn this and continue dealing with all of what's in me. Please pray for me.

I have added the following song lyrics, because they are starting to become true again in my life. This song is true about the sin in my life along with the place I find myself. I hope it helps you.

Something Beautiful
Jars of Clay

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
so, give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
And that all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful